For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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