I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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