Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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