Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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