"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
