after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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