one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
