I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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