I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
