i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
