No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
this beer tastes like vomit already
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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