Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
