apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
