mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
