making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
