so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My day in three words: secret purse cake
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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