You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
