someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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