If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
