Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
