Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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