woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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