I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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