Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You ruined the universe
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
