1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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