hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So apparently I’m into choking now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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