Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
