me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
