After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
