I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
