Already got asked if we're dating
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
