ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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