So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i need some magic done to my vagina
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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