So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
