The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
