Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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