I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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