the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
