I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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