Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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