Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
