I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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