u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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