You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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