so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
