Just fell off a train. Bad.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
