My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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