I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
