I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I have post one night stand depression
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
