I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
