Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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